guilt and moral inventories

I was not looking forward to writing this post. Today, I relapsed on my plan. It was going well until I ended up going to a restaurant in the afternoon. I had a rewards card and part of that rewards card, was a free pastry item since my birthday just recently passed. It was free, and the carrot cupcake was calling out to me. I have since moved on and below I share some of that might have contributed to it.

Other than that, I was on plan. However, I did not start the morning as great as I wanted it to be. I read through Step 4 - which was about creating a moral inventory about our lives. As I started the chapter, I thought - "well, I am generally an okay person, no major crimes or anything."

Then the questions towards the end of the chapter. They were damning. To recount all the ways I have hurt myself and hurt others really broke me. It colored the rest of my day. I did not interact with anyone and even canceled a scheduled dinner appointment because of the shame of my moral failures. I thought I had gone over them. I wish I could rid myself of this burden, this guilt.

Update: Started on my moral inventory. A guide can be found in this pdf newsletter.

Helpful tip: Smelly Water Bottles

So today I finally figured out how to get rid of the stench in my water bottles after long periods of use. Quite a revelation. Many a Nalgene has been discarded because of the mildewy smell I get from old plastic bottles.

All you need is a little bleach. I currently use a 23.7 fl oz Smart water bottle - the one with the handy nozzle (prevents choking in stop-and-go traffic). I would say I probably added less than a fluid ounce of bleach to the bottle and filled it up with regular tap water.  I also had a separate bowl for washing the nozzle that had a dash of bleach. I went showered and got ready so I let it stand for about 30 minutes. I then rinsed the bottle ten times (swished with tap water for ten seconds - warm water since it's cold where I am). And poof - no mildewy smell.

ODAAT - Day One

One day at a time...in fact one hour, one minute, seconds at a time.

Stuck to my food plan, rearranged a bit. I had an errand to run in the morning and was feeling crampy so couldn't eat as early as I wanted. So I ended up with a late breakfast and my meals were switched. Switched in that my oatmeal was taken in the late afternoon and then breakfast was leftover veggies and sweet potato from lat night. For dinner, I had more collard greens. Couldn't eat much more because Aunt Flow is whoopin' my butt - or rather my uterus.

I was tempted to take some Halloween candy, but attended an online OA meeting instead. Feel great, minus these cramps - urrgggghhhhh!!!

Update minutes later:
Adding more now that I am opportune to have a 90 second break until the next wave of cramping. This morning (and part of last night), I read the third step, which talks of a surrendering to a Higher Power (HP). I felt as if earlier today, I kind of coasted on my self-will. However, there was a point in which I threw up a half-hearted prayer to God to resist the urge to delve into Halloween candy as my sweet tooth came a-callin'. In response to my prayer, I was gifted with a great online OA meeting and menstrual cramps, which totally shut down my mind-tongue-gut axis.  The Lord, oweeee...ouch, answers prayers.

ODAAT - One day at a time.

The unofficial official weigh-in

Just to give you some idea of my weight, I will share the weight that was calculated at my last doctor's visit which was exactly one week ago.  Why is it the unofficial official weigh-in? Well, I try to check my weight regularly at the same spot at my place with my same weight-measure-y thing (drawing a blank on the official name). However, I will be moving back in a week, and happen to have an official reading from my doctor's office on hand. However, I consider it unofficial.

Anyway, I'm typing too much.

The last time I was there in April of this year, I weighed 168lbs (76.2kg). I am currently 5'7" (170.18cm) which would mean that BMI wise, I am in the Overweight category (BMI = 26.3). Since then, I have been quite sedentary owing to studying for national board exams, so I am sure I gained weight and then subsequently lost it, because now I am, according to the lovely nurse who weighed me (with winter clothes and everything on)...

166 pounds (75.3kg) - which is a BMI of 26 even.

Again, unofficial. My scale (that's the word) shaves off some pounds, compared to the doctor's office (like 5-6), so I will have the opportunity to go home tomorrow and weigh myself and will include the update below.

The makings of a food plan

It's hard to start OA without obsessing about a food plan and what it means to be abstinent. I initially tried a food plan recommended on another OA member website - but found it was too complex. Currently I find myself in a situation in which I have been living with my parents for the past two months and will be moving back to my place, God willing, next week. So my food choices are largely dictated by whatever is available in the house. Oh, and let me add, I am a flat-broke graduate student.

I was initially frustrated by my relapse within few days of starting the plan and thought - why not just try small changes on a a weekly basis. That back fired. Not only was I not able to implement the change, but also, I ended up eating worse than I initially did.

I found one that seems simply and allows me to have my morning grain (I eat oatmeal almost daily, without fail).  It can be found here. It's great in that it conforms to a basic rule that a fellow OA member suggested - that my food plan fit within a post-it note.  In essence it is this:

• Breakfast: 1 fruit serving, 1 dairy serving, 1 grain serving.
• Lunch: 12 Oz vegetables, 1 protein serving, 1 fat serving, 1 fruit serving.
• Dinner: 12 oz Vegetables, 1 protein serving, 1 fat serving, 1 grain serving

I will also follow the idea of 3-0-1, which is three meals a day, zero in between, and taking it one day at a time. I may find that depending on my work schedule, I may have to budge on the snack limitations, but again, one day at a time.

Again from the same website:

Allow 4-6 hours between each meal. Weigh all food and liquids precisely. Sugar must be the 5th ingredient on the list. No more than 5 packets of artificial sweetener on any day. Dairy may be substituted for protein after the first 30 days. No fruit in the evening because of how your body processes it.

Again, more adjustments will be made in regards to measurements. At this time, I do not have utensils to measure things with, though I have in the past. I will eyeball most things.  I like the idea of a fudge factor for artificial sweeteners, though I am lowering it to two packets and a five-hour energy.

Two posts in one day. Just finished my first online meeting. They can be found here. They are daily and at various times during the day. Emailed my sponsor as well. Feeling so so about our relationship. Will keep you all updated.

At this point, I think I have the makings of a food plan.

When you admit, you commit

Hello, My name is Echi*, and I am a compulsive overeater.

It took me some time to get to this realization. I knew the way I approached food was abnormal. Perhaps for the past three to four years, I have been overweight, according to my BMI calculations. There are some who refuse to believe that I am overweight. Just this past weekend, I have been told that I have a great shape - twice - by a man and a woman. My body image is not really a problem - at this moment for me. It is the amount I eat, my relationship with food, and the damage I am slowly inflicting on my body on a daily basis.

I have a strong family history of diabetes. Not the type of family history where you talk of grandfathers and great-grandmothers. Both my parents have had diabetes for several years, most of their siblings have diabetes, and both of my grandmothers had diabetes before they passed. I attend gatherings and meetings and eat meals in public, and then retreat to my room to eat the amount and type of food that I really want to consume. I can go into details, but I find that sometimes, in recounting these details, I indulge in some form of food p+rn.  Also, at this point, I find no need to provide details. Because being slightly larger than the confines of BMI is seen as perfectly alright in my culture, I found it hard to admit that I did have a problem.

*In the spirit of anonymity, my name has been significantly altered.